My Arab Scarf

 

“My Arab Scarf”

A few years ago, a group of us belonging to the same biker club had just returned from a November three day weekend rally and several had ended up at my place. It was late in the evening and we were all road weary and hungry. I suggested they order pizza for us all while I jump into the car and dash into town a mile away, to grab beer from the best and most convenient supermarket still open till midnight on a Sunday.

Still wearing all my leather gear and my warm beloved cotton biker scarf double wrapped around my neck (which is always a welcome shield from the cold, especially on a motor bike!) I shot into the supermarket entrance, mind distracted, looking ahead towards the isles vaguely aware of the security guard by the entrance just on my peripheral vision. Suddenly, the security guard jumped forward towards me, as if to grab me. I instinctively jumped sideways and squeaked in surprise. He put his hands up in apology and kept saying “I’m so very sorry, I’m so very sorry” over and over again. It was only then I really took a good look at him, and realised he was Middle Eastern, possibly Arabic, very very tall; a good six foot six at least, and built like the ‘Hulk’. Initially I was quite unnerved by his close proximity, but he had a friendly presence, and seemed to want to talk to me. It was then that I realised it was my scarf he was fascinated with.

I buy lots of my biker clothing from ex army surplus, like lots of bikers do, because it’s hard wearing, comfortable, and suitable for long periods of time out in the elements. I suffer with arthritis in my neck, so a good scarf is essential. I got this one from a surplus stall at a bike rally some years ago, and it’s the best scarf I’ve ever owned. It was this item which had drawn the attention of my new found acquaintance, the security guard. He explained that it is a very distinctive weave which is only made in Palestine, and desperately wanted to touch the scarf and find out where I’d got it from. I’m mixed race and quite dark skinned with black hair, and I’m sure he thought I might be Arabic like him. He told me that he is Palestinian, how much he misses his beloved homeland and how wonderful it was for him to spot a piece of home-woven cloth. He kept saying “it is from my homeland” and got quite emotional. Apparently this particular weave is not created anywhere else in the world and can only be got from Palestine. We stood for a while talking, and he shared a few heartfelt stories of his home and family and how troubled the region is now since all the bombing, and devastation. He talked about the Arab Spring, the uprising which started in Tunisia and spread through several Arab nations, including Egypt, Syria, Morocco and Bahrain: about the oppression in the West Bank and the revolution to overthrow the corrupt leadership. He cried when he spoke of his loved ones still living there under this oppressive regime.

Up to this point I had never heard of the Arab Spring and the Jasmine Revolution, which started in Tunisia when a street vendor set himself on fire to protest the corruption affecting ordinary people trying to earn a living, and although the protest spread through most of the Arab nation and created great change and transformation, it failed to effect positive change in Palestine, and the Gaza Strip remains under siege and shut off from the rest of the world to this day. The politics is complex and I won’t be able to do it justice in this short blog post, but save to say, it is one of those political minefields which gets omitted from the news these days, because there is no easy solution, and there is a lot invested in preserving the strategic agreements between the Arab world and western powers. Radical change that benefits the population of the Palestinian people may not be so welcomed by the current regime and the western powers who support them. It’s not just about oil, it’s about calling out the atrocious human rights violations, which would be opening a Pandora’s box of trouble.

I said a fond farewell to my newfound friend, but I never saw him again. I hope wherever he is, he found peace and was reunited with his loved ones. My beloved scarf was lost at a busy pub in London the following year, and I hope the person who took it off the back of my chair, treated it with the love and respect it fully deserved.

Aaron David Miller, Nov 13, 2019, Commentary, “Why No Arab Spring In Palestine” “Carnegie Endowment For International Peace”, accessed 03/02/2023

https://carnegieendowment.org/2019/11/13/why-no-arab-spring-in-palestine-pub-80329

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/jan/31/the-guardian-view-on-violence-in-israel-palestine-the-risk-of-a-third-intifada

Tues 31^st Jan 2023 Guardian editorial accessed 03/02/2023

Marilyn R Gardner, Dec 29, 2011, Tahrir Square-Walls and Graffiti, “Communicating Across Boundaries”blog post, accessed 03/03/2023

https://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/2011/12/29/tahrir-square-walls-and-graffiti/

Revolution image ref

https://communicatingacrossboundaries.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/january-25th-revolution.jpg

Peaceful World

During this morning’s meditation I became aware that the street outside was quiet, devoid of traffic and no other sounds apart from birds and the rain on the window. The soft occasional temple bell sound from my phone timer was the only thing to gently break into my reverie. I could have been anywhere in the world; halfway up a mountain or in the middle of nowhere for all the outside noise of which there wasn’t any. Nothing mattered really, and any passing thoughts quickly moved on unchallenged.

It reminded me of my first day at school when I was 5. I came from a home where there was only mum and no other siblings my age, the radio was on sometimes for Woman’s Hour or the “Play for Today”, the quiet would have been deafening had I had a comparison. I wasn’t allowed to make noise, shout, sing, keep up chatter and ask questions, I would be hissed into silence. Mum didn’t do people or social situations. She was reclusive. So I largely spent my time in the garden or drawing pictures and reading, (lucky I could read at an early age I suppose!) and thinking.

That first day in the playground was a terrifying experience. I spent it cowering in a corner with my hands pressed tightly over my ears against the barrage of noise that was nothing short of painful. I kept trying to escape back into the sanctuary of the school building, only to be turfed back out again. The staff obviously thinking I was faking it. The other kids got accustomed to calling me “weird” or “thick” because I didn’t have any idea how to interact on a social level, never having had to before. After a week or so (not sure how long) I got on with the hubbub and the people and surrendered to what is normal life. A final temple gong had sounded somewhere some long time ago in the back of my mind and with no real idea how long I had “sat” I attempted to move. Both buttocks had gone completely to sleep and my legs and feet were numb and difficult to move. I had been on that cushion for 40 odd minutes and it took me a while to kick myself into the day, but the insight and internal space I created for myself was priceless.

Love Love Love. Where did it go……

As it is Maytime and Beltane, and a fire festival in the pagan calendar, it’s Spring officially and Summer is fast approaching. As a pagan myself, this is a time of handfastings, declarations of love and a celebration of passion and sexual enjoyment out of doors. I’ve been to some lovely handfastings, and each one is as individual as the next one.

This is the time of year when the sap is rising in the trees and plants, animals and also in humans. We are no exception. We are driven by primeval desire and animal instincts through our animal brain stem and although we don’t have seasonal urges, we are always more “switched on” in the warmer sunnier weather. We do however, have the gift of the frontal lobes of our brain which have evolved over the ages and given us the ability to overcome our base urges with our intellect and sense of love and compassion for our fellow man.

Aliens landing now would find this hard to believe as they watch us warring with each other; imprisoning and torturing each other and imposing cruel regimes on our fellow man which is the stuff of sci fi horror. The older I get the more confused and disappointed I am at the combined mindset of my fellow man, particularly in the relationship department. What is commonly described to me as love seems as far removed from that as it is possible to be. I have always understood sex to be a raising of energy on a spiritual level, or an equal and balanced enjoyment of mutual pleasure and respect by spiritually mature people. Sadly I too often see it used as a conditional bargaining chip or a manipulative emotional or business arrangement where one is the aggressor and controlling influence and the other either puts up and shuts up or there is evidence of threats and coercion.

Of course there are relationships where it is agreed by the participants that one is the dominant and the other the submissive, and this is balanced, mutually agreed upon and purely between the people concerned and I am not referring to arrangements like this.

What I am referring to are the less balanced ones where one party gets enjoyment from overpowering the other against their will. A great many relationships would not exist if it were not for sex and its darker aspects. The thing that really upsets me and has become more apparent to me as I have got older is the amount of so called “spiritual” people who delight in manipulating devoted people in a less than spiritually sexual way, often against their will, and becoming angered when the recipient of their attention starts to object. I don’t think control and possession belong in any spiritual union and should certainly not occur to an attuned individual who has tamed the dragon energy inside, the serpent of temptation, and yet continues to demand obedience and submission form an unwilling subject.

People are people and holding a position of trust, particularly in a religious or devout context does not shield you from the normal temptations of excess. No one is beyond being exploited or exploiting another. It takes a constantly vigilant person to know themselves, accept their weaknesses, acknowledge the part they play in its continuation and take responsibility for the after effects of any decision they make. Until we can be completely honest with ourselves, and allow our higher mind to guide us and not allow the primeval mind to have full sway, we as a society, will likely continue the mistakes of the past generations and onward into an unknown future. No race is exempt and no religion or regime will have all the answers. The key to a life of love and compassion lies purely within each one of us. Our unconscious guidance, the small still inner voice, is the voice of love and understanding, the one we often choose not to listen to or to respond to. Sex and love can both exist equally together and also without each other, but beware of confusing the two.

All You Need is Love. The Beatles.  https://youtu.be/0oHeeEot35M

Love is all around!

Today is the anniversary of the death of the Roman soldier whose legend says he slay a dragon and saved a princess, and the cross of St George is worn joyfully both for sport and for more traditional values to mark the occasion, unlike the Union Jack which has been displayed sometimes in less favourable ways.

My life is largely routed in myth and ancient wisdom, so the legend of the person known as St George has a deeper connotation. He represents for me, the pure being that we all are inside, the unblemished spirit within each human being. His “dragon” is his base human nature, the Kundalini if you will, the writhing serpent of the personality and thoughts of which we are all composed, that he gains mastery over. The princess he rescues describes for me, the divine and pure aspect in all of us that we seek to discover within ourselves and release.

Spiritual practices vary from nation to nation and belief structure the world over, but one thing we all share in common are the things we do on a daily basis to live our lives, look after our families and loved one, make a living however best we can, and provide the basics that our physical lives demand of us; beyond that are our minds and hearts that also need food in the form of inspiration, love and compassion, humour and challenge; in this all human beings are no different. The striving comes from a higher purpose that we frequently are unaware of and spiritual practices give us an insight and connection to that part of ourselves.

From today and in forthcoming days, take moments of mindfulness and kindfulness, not just to others, but to yourselves, as you also need that hug to get you though physical life’s hardships so that you can celebrate life’s joys.

So today, and every other day “love is all around”

Across the divide

Getting back late from a freezing November bike rally on a Sunday, I nipped up to the local Tesco to get a few supplies, still wearing all my bike gear and bundled up against the cold. As I went through the entrance, the security guard, who resembled the Middle Eastern version of Lou Ferrigno, lunged toward me, which freaked me out and I jumped backward. He was full of apologies and as he softened his stance, he began chatting away to me.

He explained that the linen biker scarf that I was bundled up in, was a distinctive weave only made in Palestine, and that he was from Palestine and thrilled and surprised to find something so rare away from his home land. He kept touching the scarf and shaking my hand. He wanted to know where I had got it from as it was the only one he'd seen since being in the UK in recent years.

All I could tell him was that I had bought it from an army surplus stall at a bike rally in the Midlands and it was the best scarf I had ever owned because it was warm in winter and shaded me in hot sun. We stood for ages talking until I realised my friends would wonder where I was with the food and beer. I said my goodbyes and he put his arm around me and thanked me with tears in his eyes. I never saw him again on any of my late night emergency shopping trips but have thought often of him, and especially today in light of the current news.

You have to be taught to hate. Children from other ethnic and religious backgrounds don't see differences, they just see other children. We could learn a lot from them if we wanted to. 

Rabbits, eggs and the coming of Springtime.

The Spring Equinox, 21^st-22nd March, is significant on the modern calendar as a reference to equal night and day, as is the Autumn Equinox on the opposite side of the year. This pagan time is closely linked with the Goddess Oestra or Ostara, the goddess of fertility whose symbol is the hare. It is when night and day are in perfect balance and harmony, masculine and feminine, inner and outer. As we come through the colder darker half of the year and the earth warms up and the day lengthens, plants that have lain dormant in seed form begin to sprout and emerge, animals start to give birth and the time of high fertility is in evidence. The egg is the symbol of the living potential in all things of this earth. It is both a pause before a beginning and a breath after completion and is a wonderful example of a continuing cycle of life. The hare is unusual in that it is able to conceive while still pregnant, thus continuing this cycle of awakening and rebirth.

Mankind too, experiences a period of “rebirth” in the form of reflection, changes in behaviour, clearing out of old outmoded ideas and actions, and a sense of curiosity for the future, often tinged with nervousness and excitement. The future is a blank page upon which anything is possible to be written. Spring cleaning is a time to detach from and pass on anything that no longer serves the “you” who now is. A time to clear away clutter from mind and heart as well as from the home, as you emerge into the fertility of your own Springtime. 

Yule and the absent Christmas spirit

Another friend has messaged me this week wracked with remorse because they won’t be able to see me or celebrate Christmas with me till after the New Year.

It always makes me chuckle as they tie themselves up in knots apologising and thinking I will go off the deep end at being abandoned at such a special time of year. The thing is, I’m pagan so the 26^th and 27^th of December and the following days don’t really mean the same to me. Yule or the night of the 21^st into the 22^nd of December, the time when the amount of daylight increases slowly, is my observance; the turning of the wheel of the year, “the return of the light” or “the birth of the sun” and a time of reflection about those who have passed over in the previous year, but also a time of hope for the future.

I did the whole Christmas and Santa thing with my kids when they were young because it was important to them and should be respected. As they got older I lessened the emphasis on it and let them go their own way. Now for me it is a time to give small gifts of candles, incense and sweets to welcome the light back into our lives and communities. Of all the festivals of the calendar year this is the one that means the most to me. It is a simple celebration in comparison with the gluttony, indulgence and expense of the Christmas and New Year excesses I see around me. I light candles, wave goodbye to the dark half of the year, the Holly King and Queen and welcome the Oak King and Queen. The time spent with close friends and relations sipping ale or mead and eating cake over a nice fire bowl or candlelight indoors is worth more to me than any gifts that can be bought.

I wish everyone a peaceful Yule and a creative beginning to the light half of the year. xx

Fear

I have had glimpses of momentary fear through my life, and some of these incidents have been the fear and ecstasy prior to doing something new and exciting. These are our natural fears that keep us safe and alert and I welcome them.

I can’t honestly say any of these micro events have been life changing. Life enhancing maybe, but there is one nightmare experience when I truly thought I was going to die and everything slowed down and time seemed to drag.

I was a pillion on the back of my former partner’s motorbike. We had argued prior to leaving home. He wanted to go to the social club 70miles away and I didn’t want to go with him because I knew he was still too angry and emotional and wouldn’t be safe driving. As I flatly refused to go out with him, he rang a mate of ours asking her to come round and be mediator. We didn’t need a mediator. He was doing what he always did. Making mountains out of mole hills and accusing me of all sorts that I hadn’t done. Anyway, after an hour of calm discussion, our friend left and we got on the bike to leave. Literally a mile up the road he started screaming at me again and driving dangerously. I was unable to get off by this time. I had a terror ride from hell those 70 miles, and the only thing I could do was trust the universe and continually incant to the universe to bring me home safe to my sons who were still school age. When we got to the social club, it was closed and in darkness. He had got the wrong night. The ride home was calm and sensible.

My whole body was frozen in terror that entire time on the ride. My stomach was cold and still, my muscles screamed in pain and my mouth was locked and dried out from lack of saliva. My head felt as if it would explode. My trust in the universe and in the nature of being was the only thing that kept me sane. The whole episode took over 2 hours. When we got home, I could hardly move, my body was so stiff and I was shaking in terror. He of course, was completely oblivious to his former state of mind and wanted to resume our usual jolly life. I was too traumatised and when I tried to address the situation, he just blamed it all on me as he always did with any crisis he experienced. Everything he thought he knew or remembered in these instances were always figments of his imagination. I learned quickly that he was possibly undiagnosed with a mental illness or PTSD and that I and my sons were in danger.

Fortunately, none of his outbursts before or after were anywhere near as extreme as this; just usually verbal assaults and sulking.

I loved dangerous sports, so I was used to the adrenaline rush of other supposed dangerous moments, so not a stranger to the old pounding heart and heightened awareness. These times were all of my own making and therefore any responses or subsequent injuries where something I accepted with joy. They were character building for me and resonated with the warrior woman I knew myself to be.

I resented this man who was supposed to love me body and soul, my life partner, who seemed to have so little connection with me that he would put me in danger deliberately and deny his actions, but refuse to get out of my life altogether, It defied logic.

Mystic friends have come up with all sorts of explanations of his actions and truthfully there aren’t any really that make sense to a normally wired brain. I just look back over the 20 years that have passed and know I have learned a valuable lesson about life and savour the skills I have in keeping myself and my loved ones safe and happy.

Corbyn's Glasters gig

So, Jeremy Corbyn goes from that vague dodgy uncle with the elbow pads to rock god in the blink of an eye! How many previous MP's have stood and spoken on the Pyramid stage at Glasters in the past I wonder?

"He's pulling in the youth vote by lying to them about college fees and housing" says a friend just now. So young people are thick are they? Tell you one thing they aren't, and that's dumb. If he sells them out, they won't ever forgive. Well, not until they are in their 50's and 60's and realise life often doesn't deliver as you would wish it. He will go from idol to villain quicker than you can say 'jump'. It's a big risk. He will be committing political suicide and that will be the end of the Labour Party for good and all. The Conservatives will rule the waves indefinitely.

To those people who voice dissent, I say, wait; If he crashes and burns it will be quick, and you will have proved your point. If he gets to actualise all the dreams he has put forward, we all gain (well, apart from the 1% super rich who don't like anything that rocks their boat) and if it all goes tits up, then the super rich still hold all the cards and the rest of us just get dragged along in the wash. We have nothing to lose either way (unless you are one of the super rich, of course!)

People fear change, but there is nothing but constant change. The universe is continually changing, and we can only embrace it and enjoy the trip in a proactive way, or lose our shit and struggle.

>>A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and the vendor asks him "Hey buddy what can I make you?".

"Make me one with everything" replies the Buddhist.<<

A Kid's Memory

14^th May 2017

We lived in an old tenement block, damp, mouldy, rodent infested. So many old properties like this existed in and around London. No one owned their own places. You were rich or a successful crook if you did. We moved around a lot. Dad was always at work, on duty or away.

I was sitting halfway up the stairs between landings pulling faces and making baby noises to 18 month old Michael who was in his pram on the landing near me. The rooms weren’t big enough for furniture and a basinet pram, so baby Michael spent a lot of time in his pram on the landing. My Mum was on the floor below in the laundry room; I could hear humming and see her through the gap in the stairwell.  I knew my 7^th birthday was coming soon and I was excited knowing that I was getting some Lego, and possibly sweets.

 I remember Michael’s Mum and Dad, Pattie and William. They were a young couple from Dublin who had been in the tenement for as long as Michael was old. William wasn’t around much but usually when I saw him, he had a hand rolled cigarette in his mouth and was always in a sleeveless vest. Pattie smoked a lot too; she used to bend over to talk to me and her hair always smelt of tobacco. I taught William to whistle and click his tongue because we were often at home on the landing together when I wasn’t at school, or out in the yard next to the coal bunker under the tree in the nice weather. He used to laugh lots when I pulled funny faces.

The radio was on in the background. It was always on. It always seemed to be the news. The news always sounded depressing and everyone would sigh and look unhappy or scowl.  I had hours to wait until “listen with mother” or “story time”. Mum had the radio on every day. There was no TV; only rich people had TV. 

One morning, I was sitting on the stairs pulling silly faces at baby Michael and waiting for Mum to finish the laundry, when Pattie came screaming out of their rooms, raced down the stairs, grabbed my mum by the arm and made her drop the laundry she was holding, shouting “you killed my grandfather!”  My mum just looked shocked, dropped her cigarette out of her mouth and said “I didn’t kill your grandfather! I didn’t know him” Pattie yelled back “you and your kind killed him” Mum just looked confused, and Pattie ran back upstairs and slammed the door behind her. William started to cry.

Mum was always very miserable and quiet after that. I didn’t see William again and I wasn’t allowed to play with Michael anymore. I suddenly noticed that the rooms on the next landing were empty. Pattie, Michael and William had gone. One day they were there, next day they weren’t. I asked lots of times where they’d gone; Mum would just get cross with me or not answer at all.

Dad’s leave was cancelled. A bomb had gone off somewhere in London.

Help for sanctioned ESA and JSA people

A message to everyone.
I hear about and see posts online of people who end up losing their home because of DWP sanctions that remove their JSA and ESA. Please please please ensure that anyone you know who is sanctioned understands that there is help. If your money is stopped you can go to the council and fill in a Nil Income form. That will reinstate rent and council tax and give access to further help like meter credits, foodbank vouchers and emergency cash payments. This info is not readily available sadly and it damn well should be. The authorities will only deal with it if you ask specifically which is a disgrace.
Share this on so everyone is aware

Winter Solstice musings

  The sun is born again and this is a time of letting go of old outmoded things and moving into a new phase. It is affecting every single person I know in some way shape or form and all we can do is welcome the new forward and kiss the redundant a fond farewell. There was a big hoo haa about 2012 that year, but there is never a true timescale in nature. All that was predicted at the 2012 apocalyptic blurg is kindof trailing through nowish, and us humans are playing catch-up as we always do. Just now as I was thanking Brother Sun and blowing out the candles, I remembered that the sun always comes back and shines on us again without fail. There is always light after a period of dark. The two exist in perfect balance and so too do our lives under that same sun. I wish for a new dawn for everyone and for a safe passage through life and its inevitable turmoils. 

   As my gobby uncle used to say to me when I was a nipper, in his gruff East End London way, "its all part of life's rich tapestry, Gewl, and you better fuckin' get used to it", lol, bless him and his lot as they were the stuff of an old guard that we have fortunately inherited. That street-level persistence, resilience and wisdom that always gets us through any crisis. Him and several of my relatives got bombed out during the war and lost everything, but they bounced back, using some force that only people in those situations seem to be able to access. They are long gone but their spirit is alive and well in us, the descendants.

  Wishing everyone a happy and peaceful 2017

My mother taught me......lol

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A  JOB WELL DONE . 
"If you're going to kill each other, do  it outside.. I just finished cleaning." 
 
 2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 
 
 3.  My mother taught me about TIME  TRAVEL. 
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!" 
 
 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 
"  Because I said so, that's why." 
 
 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me." 
 
 6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident." 
 
 7. My mother taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 
 
 8.  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS . 
"Shut your mouth and eat your  supper." 
 
 9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM. 
"Will you look at that dirt on  the back of your neck!" 
 
 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  . 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
 
11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER. 
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went  through it." 
 
12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
"If I told you once, I've  told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 
 
 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE. 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.." 
 
 14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . 
"Stop acting  like your father!" 
 
15. My  mother taught me about ENVY. 
"There are millions of  less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 
 
16. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
"Just wait until we get  home." 
 
17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING . 
"You are going to get it when you  get home!" 
 
 18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 
 
 19. My mother taught me ESP. 
"Put  your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 
 
 20.  My mother taught me  HUMOR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me." 
 
21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 
"If you don't  eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 
 
 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father." 
 
 23. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS. 
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think  you were born in a barn?" 
 
 24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 
 
 And my  favorite:  25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  . 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you !" 

Part 3

Only when I laugh.  A self help guide to the disordered mind

Here is a letter from a very dear friend of mine describing life with a BIpolar partner from a letter she wrote me a couple of years ago.

"First you will notice the rattiness; the irritability. He starts to talk rapidly, doesn’t stop jumping from one subject to another. Cannot sit still, paces about constantly. Enthusiasm - a rare thing normally - to be achieved all the time, day & night. Sleep goes out the window. It’s exhausting. It’s frightening. The unknowable. He’s going “up” again & although it can be great fun, it is so dangerous. Hypomania they call it, everything in excess. Impulsive, spend like mad on ridiculous things. Give him a day or two, no more, have a chat & he’ll recognise the signs & titrate his normal medication up to hold the episode - hopefully. Without doubt medication holds back the high if taken in time. The danger is if he comes off it altogether because he likes to feel “alive”. This can then lead to psychosis, drug & alcohol abuse, dramas of a dangerous sort, police involvement & hospital - either voluntary or under section for a while, until he is stabilised; or the alternative is, he could die, by accident or intent.

In his case he cycles in episodes with Bi-polar disorder which lasts about eighty days, going up & then right down with a dodgy time in the middle of this. High suicide risk. He is also at risk in between episodes for roughly about a week, with self-harming thoughts, especially at night. This is harder to deal with as he is usually really well at this point, so it’s difficult to get right. Keeping a chart or graph is useful, tucked away, like most of his meds, to promote a wellness attitude. Nothing worse than a houseful of pills in boxes, spread around to remind him how ill he is.

In the old days, before he got the label & got some of his life back, he drank - self medicating, they call it. Not what I called it. Mad, bad & dangerous to know wears a bit thin while you duck the glasses & knives, deal with the rages & sweep up the trashed rooms.

People with this diagnosis vary in response, episodes, medication & co-operation. It needs to be an accurate diagnosis as well, as Bi-Polar really screws your life up. They say it is probably genetic, definitely biochemical & quite random. He was bullied at school & had weird parents. His favourite poem “they f**k you up, your mum & dad”. He doesn’t mix with new people or situations easily. He is a controlling person, it’s subtle, until you cross him. Negotiation is the key. It has taken him eight years to come to terms & control his Bi-polar with the help of a brilliant consultant he sees & trusts implicitly, least damaging but effective drugs, including Lithium, that don’t dope him all the time, & avoiding known triggers. He has not mellowed yet & will always have this serious mental disorder. He has never been hospitalised. Life is not easy, coping skills need honing as we get older, but we still live & laugh together. He is worth it.

From the carer, friend & wife"

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Bipolar disorder often develops in a person's late teens or early adult years. At least half of all cases start before age 25. Some people have their first symptoms during childhood, while others may develop symptoms late in life.

Bipolar disorder is not easy to spot when it starts. The symptoms may seem like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem. Some people suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life.

Bipolar is divided into two sections, 1 & 2 the first one being more severe. I have several dear friends amongst the bipolar 2 group, who understand the phases of their condition & are able to control it themselves without the medication prescribed for it, which they all say, upsets their personalalities & carries serious side effects. They are a joy to be around when they are in their 'crerative' phases, & their intelligence & vision enriches the lives of the people who are lucky enough to know them.

Two examples of iconic characters who were sufferers of this condition are the fabulous Marilyn Munro & the incredible Jeremy Brett, who played the role of Sherlock Holmes magnificently for many years.

Part 2

Only when I laugh. A self help guide to the disordered mind

Narcissism

My last partner, who I was with for 8 years, was one of those for whom the sliding scale of borderline into narcissist was very apparent. He had all the well known qualities of the classic narcissist but in his bleaker times, would slide into the gloomy depths of the 'borderline'. He told me in his narcisistic state once,   “you’re there just to feed my needs”!!!

A dear friend of mine who had also just escaped from a relationship with a narcissist, told me, “run away very fast, keep running & don’t ever look back”. I should have taken her advice but by ignoring her I learned a great deal about living with someone who has this condition.

Charming, & compelling company to be with, but spot a flaw in their image & dare to mention it & you are ‘toast’. They think & speak in a grandiose way & can sell an idea to anyone. Contrary to the well known image of Narcissus from Greek mythology, who fell in love with his own reflection & consequently died because he refused to leave the pool into which he was looking, they actually believe themselves to be despicable & totally unlovable, & spend any amount of energy, money (generally not theirs) & time, concealing this fact. They are incapable of apologising or, in fact, accepting that they have done anything wrong at all, ever. They expect to be adored & praised well beyond any normal expectations & often, without having generally earned it. You are there to bask in their glory & for no other reason. They have no real emotions of their own & frequently adopt, even steal, others’ abilities & gifts, claiming that they are their own. They have absolutely no empathy & your needs will be entirely ignored. Once you have become surplus to requirements, they will abandon you for richer pickings elsewhere. Conmen & serial villains run in this category; slick & slippery, silver tongued devils who lig their way round the globe. Many of them have a violent streak to their nature & you can end up being physically hurt if you don’t comply. They have a cuckoo-like approach to life & coast from one place of residence to the next, seamlessly.

Whilst at the funeral of a former colleague, I overheard his son exclaim “everyone keeps asking about my father but no one has asked how I am through all this”! Needless to say I gave him a wide berth!

A book suggestion for this dynamic is "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout

I am including an index to the DSM Definitions of ALL disorders here:

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_index.php?idx=26

 MentalHelp.net has a full list of disorder symptoms on their database in alphabetical order

Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopath, psychopathic)

It is possible to have some of this trait mixed in with other disorders to a lesser degree, but in extreme cases, they have no conscience, are violent to excess, constantly flout social norms & have no regard for lawful behaviour. They will often have displayed this violent behaviour from the age of 15, but can only be diagnosed from 18 years of age. They have a reckless disregard for others’ welfare, taking dangerous behaviour to the limit & beyond. They are irritable & edgy & constantly fighting & causing disruption. They will be completely oblivious to any hurt or damage that they cause others.

There is no image to preserve here. This is not about popularity, this is about getting what they want regardless of the cost & the aftermath of acquiring it. Their behaviour can be puzzling & brutal.

Charles Manson would be a good example of this condition.

"The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry"  is a book suggestion for this personality disorder.

Histrionic

I will just quickly add ‘Histrionic’ here as it is listed as part of the big 3 of cluster B of the disorders list.

Characterised by excessive emotional responses  & attention seeking. They are uncomfortable in situations where they are not the centre of attention & can be inappropriate sexually & very provocative. They constantly refer to their appearance & have accentuated or unnecessary speech patterns or style. Their wild stories can be vague & devoid of proper detail or real content. They are easily influenced by others & display overly dramatic behaviour; they are highly suggestible. They can consider relationships to be more ‘intimate’ than they actually are.

This condition starts in early adulthood, but is only diagnosed if it persists into adulthood, as it can be attributed to teenage behaviour in its’ early stages.

Two famous examples of classic histrionic people are Anna Nicole Smith & the character of Scarlet O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind”

I found this link for Histrionic Disorder very helpful http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx17.htm

Part 1

Only when I laugh. A self help guide to the disordered mind

Those of you who know me personally, will know that I’m always banging on about this stuff. I don’t have a degree in psychology or psychiatry; I’m just an alternative therapist trying to understand the challenges that we face in life. In this climate of social unrest & broken relationships, any skills that help us deal with all this is always welcome.

I didn’t realise it at the time but, my mother was so obviously ‘borderline personality disordered’. She was angry, bitter, clinging & abusive, both physically & mentally. She was obsessive, controlling & drove everyone else away & tried to prevent me from having any kind of life outside our hallowed walls! It left me with a blue print which made me repellent to healthy balanced people but made me attractive to other damaged & incomplete individuals. After finally managing to extract myself from an 8 year marriage to a violent, ‘narcissistic’ partner, I had had quite enough, & realised I needed to learn new skills to break free of this downward spiral.

One day, whilst sifting through body language stuff on the web, I spotted Richard Skerritt’s publications called “Tears & Healing” & joined the chat forum. It helped me cope within the non-life I was currently trapped in. Eventually, newly inspired, I completed my NLP practitioner certificate & now feel more in balance with life & better able to choose wisely, people I want to have up close & personal. I think my saving grace, has been my sense of fun & my jester-like take on life. These things have stopped me from going under through the things that life has thrown at me.

The most obviously occurring abusive disorders seem to be, borderline, narcissistic, & anti-social (sociopathic) disorder. There are many other catagories, including Aspergers Syndrome. I consider myself exceedingly fortunate to have three friends all with Aspergers, who say that they feel relaxed & at ease in my company, which must be an immense relief for them.

Borderlines fear abandonment & react strongly to actions they perceive indicate that they are being abandoned.

Narcissists fear that their perfect image in others’ eyes will be damaged, & react strongly to any threat to that image.

Sociopaths lack remorse & conscience & choose actions only with regard to their impact on themselves

The leading condition seems to be what the diagnosis is based on even though several conditions may exist together at the same time. My personal experiences have mainly been with the first two conditions but I know of close friends who have dealt with people in the last group. None of these groups are easy to live with & each present their own challenges. I will try & deal a bit more fully with each condition as a separate article.

Not all conditions are as extreme & many people live quite well & within their disorders, especially if they find a partner who compliments them. Trouble only starts if the balance is shifted or the individuals within those partnerships begin to worsen or become more extreme. Some people are so extreme, they have difficulty in any relationship, & life with them can be a roller coaster ride but far from fun.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So many people I’ve spoken with over the years, that have lived with ‘borderline’ people, have echoed  my own memories of my mother. They demand your undivided attention, upsetting arrangements that you may have made, or deliberately sabotaging commitments so that they can keep you with them. They are unstable, quick to anger & mistrust, & even if you do devote infinite amounts of time to spend with them, they can be abusive & cruel to you, imagining all sorts of wrongs that they feel you have done them, even though you may not have left their side. They can be incredibly manipulative & conive behind your back, & make it seem that you are, in fact, the ‘bad one’. Their tempestuous outbursts & extreme behaviour can be so frequent that they drive away all your close friends & relations.

Living with someone like this is exhausting, as you try constantly, without ever succeeding, to defend yourself against unfair accusations, & grab some much needed personal space. If you do snap & turn on your heel & exit without a backward look during an argument, you will be met with a barrage of begging & pleading & promises of better times to come. When you do return, you will be continually tortured verbally or physically to make you pay for your abandonment.

All round, you can’t win, but if this is someone your truly have deep feelings for or it is a close relation or friend that you can be tolerant of, then you may find coping mechanisms for the short period you are with them will help.

Chemical or alcohol dependency will make any condition worse & unfortunately, many disordered people self medicate to lessen the painful effects the awareness of their own behaviour causes them. It’s a chicken & egg situation as one affects the other on a continuous treadmill.

Three of my favourite books to offer coping strategies have been

“When I say no, I feel guilty” by Manuel J Smith

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger

“Families & how to Survive Them” by John Cleese & Robin Skinner