Part 1

Only when I laugh. A self help guide to the disordered mind

Those of you who know me personally, will know that I’m always banging on about this stuff. I don’t have a degree in psychology or psychiatry; I’m just an alternative therapist trying to understand the challenges that we face in life. In this climate of social unrest & broken relationships, any skills that help us deal with all this is always welcome.

I didn’t realise it at the time but, my mother was so obviously ‘borderline personality disordered’. She was angry, bitter, clinging & abusive, both physically & mentally. She was obsessive, controlling & drove everyone else away & tried to prevent me from having any kind of life outside our hallowed walls! It left me with a blue print which made me repellent to healthy balanced people but made me attractive to other damaged & incomplete individuals. After finally managing to extract myself from an 8 year marriage to a violent, ‘narcissistic’ partner, I had had quite enough, & realised I needed to learn new skills to break free of this downward spiral.

One day, whilst sifting through body language stuff on the web, I spotted Richard Skerritt’s publications called “Tears & Healing” & joined the chat forum. It helped me cope within the non-life I was currently trapped in. Eventually, newly inspired, I completed my NLP practitioner certificate & now feel more in balance with life & better able to choose wisely, people I want to have up close & personal. I think my saving grace, has been my sense of fun & my jester-like take on life. These things have stopped me from going under through the things that life has thrown at me.

The most obviously occurring abusive disorders seem to be, borderline, narcissistic, & anti-social (sociopathic) disorder. There are many other catagories, including Aspergers Syndrome. I consider myself exceedingly fortunate to have three friends all with Aspergers, who say that they feel relaxed & at ease in my company, which must be an immense relief for them.

Borderlines fear abandonment & react strongly to actions they perceive indicate that they are being abandoned.

Narcissists fear that their perfect image in others’ eyes will be damaged, & react strongly to any threat to that image.

Sociopaths lack remorse & conscience & choose actions only with regard to their impact on themselves

The leading condition seems to be what the diagnosis is based on even though several conditions may exist together at the same time. My personal experiences have mainly been with the first two conditions but I know of close friends who have dealt with people in the last group. None of these groups are easy to live with & each present their own challenges. I will try & deal a bit more fully with each condition as a separate article.

Not all conditions are as extreme & many people live quite well & within their disorders, especially if they find a partner who compliments them. Trouble only starts if the balance is shifted or the individuals within those partnerships begin to worsen or become more extreme. Some people are so extreme, they have difficulty in any relationship, & life with them can be a roller coaster ride but far from fun.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So many people I’ve spoken with over the years, that have lived with ‘borderline’ people, have echoed  my own memories of my mother. They demand your undivided attention, upsetting arrangements that you may have made, or deliberately sabotaging commitments so that they can keep you with them. They are unstable, quick to anger & mistrust, & even if you do devote infinite amounts of time to spend with them, they can be abusive & cruel to you, imagining all sorts of wrongs that they feel you have done them, even though you may not have left their side. They can be incredibly manipulative & conive behind your back, & make it seem that you are, in fact, the ‘bad one’. Their tempestuous outbursts & extreme behaviour can be so frequent that they drive away all your close friends & relations.

Living with someone like this is exhausting, as you try constantly, without ever succeeding, to defend yourself against unfair accusations, & grab some much needed personal space. If you do snap & turn on your heel & exit without a backward look during an argument, you will be met with a barrage of begging & pleading & promises of better times to come. When you do return, you will be continually tortured verbally or physically to make you pay for your abandonment.

All round, you can’t win, but if this is someone your truly have deep feelings for or it is a close relation or friend that you can be tolerant of, then you may find coping mechanisms for the short period you are with them will help.

Chemical or alcohol dependency will make any condition worse & unfortunately, many disordered people self medicate to lessen the painful effects the awareness of their own behaviour causes them. It’s a chicken & egg situation as one affects the other on a continuous treadmill.

Three of my favourite books to offer coping strategies have been

“When I say no, I feel guilty” by Manuel J Smith

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger

“Families & how to Survive Them” by John Cleese & Robin Skinner