Fear

I have had glimpses of momentary fear through my life, and some of these incidents have been the fear and ecstasy prior to doing something new and exciting. These are our natural fears that keep us safe and alert and I welcome them.

I can’t honestly say any of these micro events have been life changing. Life enhancing maybe, but there is one nightmare experience when I truly thought I was going to die and everything slowed down and time seemed to drag.

I was a pillion on the back of my former partner’s motorbike. We had argued prior to leaving home. He wanted to go to the social club 70miles away and I didn’t want to go with him because I knew he was still too angry and emotional and wouldn’t be safe driving. As I flatly refused to go out with him, he rang a mate of ours asking her to come round and be mediator. We didn’t need a mediator. He was doing what he always did. Making mountains out of mole hills and accusing me of all sorts that I hadn’t done. Anyway, after an hour of calm discussion, our friend left and we got on the bike to leave. Literally a mile up the road he started screaming at me again and driving dangerously. I was unable to get off by this time. I had a terror ride from hell those 70 miles, and the only thing I could do was trust the universe and continually incant to the universe to bring me home safe to my sons who were still school age. When we got to the social club, it was closed and in darkness. He had got the wrong night. The ride home was calm and sensible.

My whole body was frozen in terror that entire time on the ride. My stomach was cold and still, my muscles screamed in pain and my mouth was locked and dried out from lack of saliva. My head felt as if it would explode. My trust in the universe and in the nature of being was the only thing that kept me sane. The whole episode took over 2 hours. When we got home, I could hardly move, my body was so stiff and I was shaking in terror. He of course, was completely oblivious to his former state of mind and wanted to resume our usual jolly life. I was too traumatised and when I tried to address the situation, he just blamed it all on me as he always did with any crisis he experienced. Everything he thought he knew or remembered in these instances were always figments of his imagination. I learned quickly that he was possibly undiagnosed with a mental illness or PTSD and that I and my sons were in danger.

Fortunately, none of his outbursts before or after were anywhere near as extreme as this; just usually verbal assaults and sulking.

I loved dangerous sports, so I was used to the adrenaline rush of other supposed dangerous moments, so not a stranger to the old pounding heart and heightened awareness. These times were all of my own making and therefore any responses or subsequent injuries where something I accepted with joy. They were character building for me and resonated with the warrior woman I knew myself to be.

I resented this man who was supposed to love me body and soul, my life partner, who seemed to have so little connection with me that he would put me in danger deliberately and deny his actions, but refuse to get out of my life altogether, It defied logic.

Mystic friends have come up with all sorts of explanations of his actions and truthfully there aren’t any really that make sense to a normally wired brain. I just look back over the 20 years that have passed and know I have learned a valuable lesson about life and savour the skills I have in keeping myself and my loved ones safe and happy.